Smelling the roses

Self-Realization #47 - I am not good at slowing down to smell the flowers. I have realized over the years that I have forgotten how to relax, which is really pretty funny considering I used to be the laziest child God ever created. (Ironically enough, that title has been passed onto Austin. Literally. On a regular basis I call him The Laziest Child God Ever Created. Usually when he is still not doing whatever I've asked him to 5 times already).

Somewhere along the way, I have become driven by the need to check things off a list. I live and die by my planner, and I gain a high level of satisfaction at how much I can get accomplished by the end of the day. (I also can give myself a pretty good guilt trip over what I haven't accomplished by the end of the day). But in a house with a husband and 3 kids, there is always another load of laundry to be washed, another sink full of dishes to do, food to be made or cleaned up. And then there are the weeds to be pulled, grocery shopping to be done, errands to be run. Even with my husband picking up a fair share of the cleaning and meal preparation, I could keep myself busy for hours with things that I am just sure HAVE to be done today. In the evenings during my "down time", I can usually be found on the couch watching TV with a pile of mail to go through, calendaring, making to do lists for work the next day, going through the newspaper, surfing the web for new recipes, etc.

I have convinced myself that this is the peril of the working mother - never enough hours in the day, and I must fill them all. Then there is the grand standard of "The Mormon Woman" to measure up to. Surely I must can, bake, sew, cook from scratch, scrapbook, blog, exercise, fulfill my calling, serve others, etc. But let me be clear - I don't say all this for sympathy or pity. There is very big part of me that craves the sense of accomplishment I get in going until I drop. I inherited a very strong work ethic from my parents, and I gain a lot of self- worth in being the person that gets stuff done.

However……. a few months ago, my kids started saying things like "Mom, you never stop working". "Mom, why can't you play a game with us?" "Mom, tomorrow can we do ___", "Mom, I just want to be with you". Probably the most heartbreaking - one of them put on my Mother's Day card "you do a great job of taking us to stores with you". I love my kids more than life itself, yet I have been short changing them. Are these the memories of childhood that I want to create for them – errand running and "quality time" at WinCo?

At the beginning of the summer, I created our Summer List. It was the first step in being more purposeful with my family and our time together. But it has become more than that, out of necessity. I have had to change a bit of who I am, to be who they need me to be. I am learning to be okay with things not finished, I am learning to relinquish control of things to my husband, and there have been days, sometimes more than one in a row, when my planner never makes it out of my work bag once I get home.

The return on my investment obviously has been huge. This is no great "Aha" moment, it's not rocket science, and I haven't patented a new way of thinking. But what I have done is get back to what is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in my life – my family. We have spent more time playing in the last two months than we have in I don't know how long. We've played card games, (picture a 2 year old playing Uno), had a rousing game of "Monkey in the Middle" in the living room on a rainy day, gone for walks, bike rides, started playing basketball, had water fights, spent many an afternoon on the playground, made trips to the library a weekly ritual, returned to having reading time every night, and watched fireworks from our roof top with popcorn and blankets.

Today we took the kids back to the school for more bike practice. Austin is *this close* to getting his training wheels off, which is a HUGE accomplishment for him. Just a few weeks ago, he would cry at the mention of learning to ride his bike, and was content, literally, to run around the neighborhood behind Jake as he rode his bike. He was deathly afraid of going down any kind of incline, and trembled at the concept of taking off his training wheels. Today, he pedaled as hard as he could down the hill at the school, and when he reached the bottom, exhilarated and out of breath, he looked at me and said "Mom, I think I'm ready to take my training wheels off!".

Not so long ago, I would have missed that. I would have rationalized the house work that needed to be done, and stayed home while Brian took the kids. I would have missed the pride in Austin's eyes, and the joy on his face at having conquered his fear. I would have missed Leah pedaling her little pink and purple Radio Flyer trike all the way to the school by herself, all the while saying "Mom, I can do it!" I would have missed Brian and Jake racing down the hill and around the school yard, whooping with laughter.

Last night when we were doing bedtime reading, Austin kept saying "one more book Mom, please?" And I kept saying "Yes".   I don't plan to stop anytime soon.